The last 20 days has been "Winding up" phase on many levels for me...in the process of Awakening. While on one end, the intensity of the process increased and finally started stabilizing, on the other end, different things started happening too. I could see the 'opposite spectrum' playing out.....as expected...
Emptiness - Why? What's the goal?
This convergence, though not easy to stand, was expected on some level already. It was a long wait for me, to see in what form this Convergence turns up. That I was waiting with bated breath, would not describe the situation correctly. I was breathless as I was waiting. Because, I was nowhere in the middle and there is no question of me being pushed to the threshold and breaking up. I was ON THE threshold everyday, I was already broken. Rather, it all started when I was broken up, first. And it continued as I remained 'broken up'. Was I getting 'more broken up'? I don't know! And everyday, the threshold was increasing exponentially. I had no goals in life - no personal goals, no societal goals, no goals set due to family pressure, no goals set for family, no dreams...nothing. All I wanted was Salvation. Nothing more, nothing less. Love, family, marriage, career, money...nothing enticed me. I just wanted to be OUT of it, out of what I'm going through. It was not only unbearable, but it is also something that NEED NOT be borne.
Why on Earth should I bear the burden of death everyday and still live? Why, when I'm all empty inside, force myself to smile and frame some goals and dreams to just move on and get going? I'm not moving, I'm not going anywhere, for the threshold was not a thin line, I'm spawning and living in the "band of" threshold. Why should I let it grow more...and more? It is as good as or perhaps much worser than the smokers who smoke everyday despite this warning - "Attention! Dear Customers! Do you know that you are using your hard-earned money to buy your own DEATH?" Atleast here, the smokers derive some pleasure out of it. What is in it for me (or for anybody else), to live in vaccuum? On the other hand, the onus and scope of quitting smoking majorly vests with the smokers alone. In my case, it is not in my "individual" capacity to get out of (escape) this process. It is like slogging the whole day, not have a life and save for the next generation which I have no clue if I will be able to give rise to or not. It is like depositing the whole chunk of my money for Life Insurance so that 'somebody' out there will get some crores of money when I finally die. I'm still wondering who is the best fit for that 'somebody'! All this, because somebody out there misinterprets the "means goals" as "end goals". And since this act needs somebody to tolerate the repercussions on the other end, some people are experiencing emptiness.
You need money, but is that your "end goal"? Rather you are looking for the experiences that money brings. (Borrowed from Vishen Lakhiani's Quantum Jumping, I happened to watch recently) When you have more than enough money and yet the experiences that come along do not satisfy you in any way, then that naturally is a wake up call reminding you that 'something else' is being traded off and that you need to act on it immediately. It was as if Vishen was speaking my mind (and of course many similar minds - goes without saying) exactly out there. I failed to drive this point to my Economics Sir, a year ago, who was persistent in his argument, that we are doing it "for" money and that "it" is the driving factor. I was saying "Self-Contentment" is the driving factor, money might bring it and might not bring it sometimes, but what I am sure was that we are being tricked into believing that "money" is the end because that is the "predominant" societal conditioning. I appreciate Lakhiani for being able to describe it succinctly and drive it to the crowd successfully.
Note: Please read the following content 'as it is' and not metaphorically (as it often happens with the readers of this blog, which sometimes includes myself too).
Since I believe I'm reaching stabilization, I'm sharing here the steps I'm following currently. I would also be happy to know the steps, others around are following to stabilize themselves, if they are interested to share.
The last 20 days required me to tweak my ways of meditation as per the dynamically changing process. The last three years, among many other things, I could live with the following to get on with the process:
- Sambhavi Mudra - A meditation form.
- Belly Breathing.
- Sexual transmutation of Consciousness to Energy (This is not physical sex, but dealing with the sexual energies inside, gushing in as part of Awakening process, as guided by one's consciousness)
- A meditation form suggested by one Mr. Subbarayan (which I will brief about shortly) - once in a while - mostly when I had to meditate on the "Outside".
But the last 20 days required me to do the following:
- Subbarayan's meditation more frequently.
- Distinguishing between evolutionary energy and disaster energy. Focusing on sending back the disaster energy (giving it back to earth). When disaster energy stream enters, it just doesn't feel right. Observing it allows you to understand that it is not meant for you. Just meditating on it so that it leaves.
- Meditating on the Consciousness in the reverse direction. Previously it was entering in, from the head. Now I had to meditate on it so that it exits from the head.
Of course, it was not a straight forward process arriving at these steps. It was arrived through some trial and error of course, of different permutations and combinations. Things were happening strangely and I had to respond to the events as they unfolded. Now, I'll touch upon the above steps in more detail...
One cannot indulge or be stuck up with one's inside forever. That gets us nowhere. After all, one's internal makeup, which is predominantly one's own personality, is also affected and shaped by external stimulus. It is during those times, when working on one's inside alone doesn't bring any change, that this meditation brings relief. In brief, here are the steps:
- Sit straight in a chair or squat on the ground. Close your eyes and relax yourselves consciously from head to toe. It is said, when rightly done, this is half of yoga.
- Become conscious of the sounds around. Listen, do not meditate. Try to listen to as many sounds as possible. Try to trace the source.
- After a while, try to listen to a single sound alone.
- After a while, get back to multiple sounds.
- Alternate this in rounds as per your convenience.
- Now observe your breath. Here you are neither controlling, nor manipulating nor even meditating on your breath. You are consciously feeling your breath. As you do it, you become one with your breath.
- You are only allowing your breath to happen the way it is happening. You are only observing. As you do this, your breath gets finer and finer. After a while, you feel that your breath is all that you are. This is a very blissful state wherein each of the body parts is relaxed without your knowledge, without you explicitly doing it.
- If you can hold this stage for a long time, then that's good. Otherwise, you can alternate with sound.
- The third stage of it, is to observe your thoughts. You allow your thoughts to come up. You are an observer here, so you can stay separate and realize that you are separate from your thoughts. This releases the pent up thoughts.
You may repeat this meditation in cycles and tune it as per your need. As for me, I usually do it with sound and breath. Very rarely do I observe my thoughts. Because my state was that of numbness for a long time, an impulse-less state. But in the last 20 days, I practiced this observation of thoughts straight for two days to release up a phase in my life. Whatever be the sub-phase you practice, it really works because whatever flow is happening inside you does not bother you anymore. You are no more controlling it as per your knowledge, but rather the flow takes its best course.
Also, of late, since the swirling of energy was too intense, I picked up the habit of standing and doing my office work. Sometimes, lying down was also needed. So, it might so happen that this particular meditation which is usually done in sitting posture might not help some people. They might like this "Yoga Nidra" practice which is done in a lying down posture. I tried this once, but felt Subbarayan's meditation works better for me. So you may try, whichever one works better for you. I asked my Dad to try it just today, just like that! No no, he is not undergoing what I'm undergoing. But he is stressed out for sure, for different reasons.
This can't go on forever!
Touching upon some old things...and at the risk of reiterating them, I write them again. Not only during the last three years (during which time I was undergoing it), but for many centuries, people who underwent this, had it two ways: Either they had their highest Chakra cracking up open first - which I call Consciousness Awakening or they had their Kundalini uncoil first - which is famously known as Kundalini Awakening. Apparently, it was Kundalini Awakening that got triggered in majority of the people. Of course, there are a lot of common phases between both the paths, once the triggering happens. And mine was the former.
Now, what is the purpose behind all this? Some energy/consciousness is being presented to you so that you get rid of karmic blockages, you purify yourselves, you fulfill your Karma and finally your destiny. The goal is both personal and societal. You are not only evolving yourself but also contributing to the evolution of the planet and the species. Whether one is affecting the process in a positive way or if one is disturbing it so as to prolong it more, one cannot always be sure of this. But then, that is the best one could do. We are here on Earth, with not much explicit guidance when we are OUT OF PHASE with Cosmic Wisdom and we are after all getting on with it with the best of our intentions.
We are presented with a dilemma of which one to prioritize - the current life based on current societal trends or this evolutionary phase which we are not sure when it is going to see the light of the day. This phase has been a transcendental journey and has been spanning many life times. So how and what to prioritize has been the biggest dilemma for all of us. The journey was not just difficult but trying and painstaking for many. I'm sure at least 80% of us did not want to go through it, if we were given a choice. But again, we had no choice, for we know that, if not today in this life time, we will have to take it up again (with increased, perhaps at least tripled, pain) in next life time, because we cannot escape our own Karma. Perhaps, this is what kept many people going. At least for me, this is what kept me going (apart from the only other trigger that I did not want my parents to live with guilt and depression the rest of their lives, if I give up on my life, when it completely went beyond my tolerance).
Well despite all this, we kept up with it. This was covered in few chapters of my book, primarily - "Energy Centres III - Balance - Ascension" and "A remarkable milestone!" chapters.
Anyway, irrespective of what the purpose is, behind this trigger of Awakening and how best to deal with this, the fact remains that we don't have to live with this explicit sensation of Energy/Consciousness forever. We can't! We can't go on with this forever. We ought to stabilize! And that is in the best interests of everybody. After all, the underlying purpose of all this, is to balance Earth and Human species when the planet undergoes Precession of Equinoxes (PoE). All this is happening so that we smoothly undergo and cross this event.
I had believed that time is now ripe for this event (as mentioned in my book) and I still continue to believe so. Well, I could be wrong. But I hope not to be. Because, as per my understanding, sustaining this process more and more is one of those things which is "good for nothing/good for nobody". Having attained a point of stabilization, the sooner it happens, the better it is for everybody. Coz, it is not easy to reach a stabilization point in the first place. Once it is missed, it is highly unlikely that such a point arises again, especially given that Earth is at loggerheads with the evolution of galaxy and it will continue to do so unless steered otherwise.
As I was telling, we are not here to live with this burden of Cosmic Energy/Consciousness forever "inside" us. Human beings ideally are meant to be conductors after being a bit of consumers. That means, we ought to present a free path for Consciousness and Energy to flow through us. But unfortunately, we are becoming more of Consumers and less of Conductors. Depending on one's purpose of life, needs, karmic burden, the way one responded to the cosmic script, we have been presented with either 'more of Consciousness' or 'more of Energy'. For me, heavy bouts of Consciousness was descending through my head two-thirds of the time. It is only during the last phases that I sensed Kundalini energy heavily.
Now, despite years of having been on this path, each of us harbour within us, some imbalance. There is some error that needs to be corrected so that we finally attain balance. For me, a simple test has been to observe how I tend to sit most of the time - leaning forward or leaning backward - which implies deficient or overpowered side of Heart Chakra respectively. I think it was only once, for a few days, that I was on the overpowered side. Otherwise, I'm on the deficient side most of the time. Which means that excess of Consciousness (naturally for the way it happened so far) went into the process or that there has been a deficit of Energy.
For those, who received heavy bouts of Consciousness in the beginning are tending to receive swirling of Energy towards the end phases. Naturally, it is the other way round for the other lot, they are experiencing heavy swirling of Consciousness in head. This is, as is evident, to bring about balance.
Now, take a look at the back cover image of my book. It is representative of the "Inside-Out" process - As Above, So Below. It also looks like the double conical PoE process. The Hindus would see that it also looks a bit like 'Damarukam'.
This swirling of the opposite end that has started recently is to make the Correction inside you. In order to accommodate this correction, you need to imagine these two opposite swirling vortices inside your body as you sit in a squatted position. Of course, you are now only feeling one vortex. Now, the key is to NOT focus on that vortex whose sensation you explicitly feel.
The key is to meditate on the other vortex which you are not sensing consciously. I'll explain taking my case again. My upper half of the Chakras were more or less stabilized, that is why I don't feel the Consciousness pull anymore. It is my lower Chakras that need to evolve or undergo more transformation process. That is why I'm sensing the swirling of Energy. Now, this Energy "meets" the Consciousness that is already kind of settled, by travelling upto the Heart Chakra. Now, since it is Consciousness that is in excess for me, it (the error part) must be released "outside". So what has been coming "inside" all the while, now goes "outside". Not all of it though, just the error part! This error perhaps varies from person to person. What amount of Energy and Consciousness is needed to bring about balance for a "person", only God knows, I mean the Universe will perfectly and naturally take care of it! This is the reversal of energies that you are consciously incorporating within you!
The essential part here, hence, is that, I consciously visualize Consciousness exiting my head though I naturally don't sense it. During this process, the sensation of swirling of energy, which was explicit before, naturally slips off one's mind, coz it is Consciousness that is being meditated upon. Now, it is the other way round for the other lot. At the end of the day, Consciousness = Energy, but what is important is that we focus on the direction of the flow.
This combination of steps, is what has been putting me into Stabilization course so far. Of course, different things work for different people. But, this has been the case with me and this long write-up is just an attempt to share it with others, just in case, it is useful.