Shiva

After my last post - "Sense" - I wanted to immediately follow it up with a post on Shiva. I wasn't totally clear on all that I was to write about, but something was brewing inside me and it just needed some expression. Yet, I was not feeling sufficient at that moment to get it out, so kept this post on hold ..... until now, ofcourse. Even now, I'm not clear what is it exactly that I want to write about, but I feel ready now and I hope my conscience would flow freely through my words. Even I'm curious to know what part of this infinite subject is willing to be worded out.

The word "Shiva" evokes different interpretations from different people. I don't intend to write about my interpretation about Shiva here explicitly now, because I guess, ever since 2012 I've already been writing about Shiva whenever I was talking about happiness, man and society, self, evolution, regulation, time, karmic debt, disaster, void, energy, man and woman, marriage, part and whole etc. I was not talking about Shiva explicitly of course, but in hindsight, I can see I was writing all that content, being in the state of 'Shiva' myself...some of it while I was in the state of 'Shava' though. Of course, not just ever since 2012...but ever since I'm born I must have been in the 'Shiva' state, going by that interpretation that "Shiva is all that is!" Just that, only since 2012, I woke up to know that I have been in that state, until when suddenly one day I flipped to the other state, the 'Shava' state!

I don't recall when exactly that 'Shiva' -> 'Shava' flipping happened. But the 'Shava' -> 'Shiva' flipping...I think I'm completely aware of it. The transition happened during Sep 24 - Sep 26 (2016). This transition was very clear because now I'm able to perceive my pure self! Yayy!!! Yes, you heard it right, I'm able to experience that joy of being my pure self again! Over the past 4.5 years, I tried a number of times, to take stock of the process that was happening to me, but it remained elusive, because back then I was still experiencing that process which I wanted to take stock of...which I tried to make sense of! It isn't that I failed entirely then. I was partly able to put things into perspective and derive some direction for the journey further.

Oh, now don't assume that I'm able to perfectly put everything - all that happened - into perspective. In fact, now I don't sense the need to put anything into perspective. I don't feel the need to search for any further inputs and find a direction to move ahead. I just want to breathe calmly and draw in the joy of my existence. I think this was exactly what I have been waiting for. Remember? I said in my last post that I was waiting for 'something'. Yeah, I think that 'something' has finally arrived, it is THIS - My pure self! :-) Touch wood, let me just hope that this transition lasts and that there is no retreat to old phases.

This means a lot to me. I guess, I ceased to be my pure self since Jan 2012. I had some 'self', but that wasn't my pure self. So now, a random reader would be bogged by this reference to 'pure self' coming up again and again. So let me give my interpretation for this term. When one's soul is the sole guardian of one's consciousness, then that self is a pure self. The soul might still be taking inputs from other entities (as it normally would) but the other entities would not directly control the consciousness, one's soul must definitely serve as the intermediary and mediate between the consciousness and other entities. When other entities (external energy/consciousness/soul) directly affect the consciousness while one's soul remains passive, then that self ceases to be a pure self.

When a person undergoes Awakening process, that person is no more in the 'pure self' state! A part cannot awaken to the awareness of the whole in its pure self state. One cannot be one's pure self and yet experience other self. It is only one thing at a time. When one's soul remains passive, a part of one's identity is suppressed.

A reader who frequents my blog would find that I frequently bring up the talk on occurrence of PoE. But, I knew it pretty well, all along, that it wasn't PoE that I have been waiting for (though I'm sure I'd be in all awe of it and the transition aftermath, when it happens). PoE is such a big event...Earth and Humanity as a whole have a higher stake in such an event, than I as a person would have in it. So, what good is it if I just keep waiting for it? My stake in the event is as good as anybody else's. It is related to the Time of the Earth, so if it should happen now or later is the call of the Universe, of the Earth and of the Humanity as a collective force.

Until now, in this post, I've been referring to 'Shiva' as an aspect of the Universe. Now let me refer to this term as the deity Shiva. As I had mentioned before in my blog/book, I was not a Shiva devotee until 2012. Back then, I never even chanted his name while generally praying to the entity called God. To me, God was Narayana (Lord Vishnu). It's not that I did not like praying to the rest of the Gods, I just stayed oblivious of them. When the Awakening process started, I started getting aware of Shiva - both as the deity and as an aspect of the Universe (both the Saguna and the Nirguna form, the Saguna form was experienced first). Even as I continued on that path, for a long time I definitely felt that this deity is perhaps being overrated. Like, he is treated as both the Beginning and the End of the Universe...that he is everything - both the good and bad, the light and darkness, even the part and the whole. I used to be like...how can one deity be so many things, looks like he has taken all the power of the Universe, hoarding it without sharing it with others. There is certainly an air of enigma and mystery that surrounds Lord Shiva, I felt. The general perception is also that people cannot understand Shiva easily and that he is beyond the normal grasp and that it requires a lot of soul evolution for one to reach even the tip of understanding of what is Shiva. I was pretty comfortable being a Vishnu devotee until then and experiencing the awareness of Shiva was NOT easy for me initially. Not at all.

Every aspect of me was challenged, the core of my being was shaken and I had to shed many layers of my self and transform myself at many levels. Many ideas, which I once took for granted, were debunked. I slowly started understanding why Shiva devotees are so madly, so passionately in devotion with Him. Shiva is Antarmukhi and He mostly dwells on Himself within Himself. In that sense, He is perhaps the most selfish and self-centred entity. And if there is only One Self available for one's reference, then what more can One do other than being Self-Centric?!? And when one is devoted to Shiva, a Narcissist, one cannot help but be deeply passionate in their devotion, because they are devoted to one who is passionate about Himself. The lore on Shiva reflects this - the mad devotion people have for Him.

This is perhaps only a very minor reason behind such a mad devotion. But the most important aspect about Shiva is that He remains in the background and facilitates you to be yourself in the purest form. He never interrupts the evolution of a self, yet bears the collective Karma. Now come to think of this, one bears the collective burden yet does not interrupt the individual evolution and only facilitates one to unleash one's ultimate potential, now what can be more noble than that? Of course, I described it very superficially and there is definitely more to managing Karma...and I myself don't know completely about it. Being the One who manages Karma, redeems Soul, enables Recreation and ultimately facilitates the flow of Time, Shiva no doubt evokes mad fervour in those who are inclined to Him.

I can go on and on, but I know I will get lost. I already am...looks like that. I don't know where to start and how deep to get into. So I will stop here. The day before I wrote my last post "Sense", I listened to this song on Shiva and I was like - "What is this song? Lyrics are good, but it feels like a concoction of noises, an absurd mixture of different tunes! There seems to be no integrity of music flowing through the song..." But actually that's what He is, a Whole who bears the concoction of evolution of His parts. No wonder, I inadvertently started liking the song after listening to it a couple of times. My mind perhaps perceived an integrity, which it couldn't before.

Ah well, not that He would just bear the mere concoction of parts. He regulates too, to safeguard His Self that flows through His parts. We only get to see the bearing aspect of Shiva. It's very rare to get to see the regulating aspect of Him...very rare...happens at the end of time cycles. And a very rare generation of humans get to see/experience it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed to see if our generation makes it to become one such!

Sense

Why should it all be so complicated? I mean, so very complicated! Why should this whole process be so painful and challenging at all levels? Why should every cell and tissue within me croak with pain? Why should I be required to solve such a puzzling ambiguity and dilemma? Why should I be mindful and attentive all the time to obtain the answers I need? Why should I be going through such an emotional roller-coaster ride when no living force in the Universe cares to respond to me? Why all this? What am I in anticipation of?

It is often said, especially while emphasising the greatness/selflessness of a mother, that the process of delivering a child is the most painful thing. And also that, despite going through all this, a woman doesn't hesitate to embrace motherhood again! I don't know about this pain as I haven't experienced it myself, but I assume a woman has her triggers to embrace such pain - be it the bliss of love from her partner, be it the sense of pride, responsibility and liberty motherhood bestows, be it how motherhood fulfils womanhood, be it the love she wants to give and take from her children, be it adhering to societal norms, or be it nature just being at its work to procreate and carry the creation further and the woman just surrendering to the nature's wand...all without her individual call.

Now, what is it that which merits this excruciating pain I am undergoing? And it's not a one-time pain, it doesn't end in few hours. It doesn't end even within nine months. I don't even know when this is going to end. If some God in the form of an enlightened person comes along and at least says - "Look! This is going to end after two years", I'll be happy. Ten years? Even then I might be ok. But this whole uncertainty of when this is going to end, is making this process all the more painful.

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So, all that thought process was yesterday. It happened yesterday! Like, I was crying, "Come on! Somebody say something! Damn you, God and Goddess! You can't be so ruthless! So unkind! You make me aware that you are there, through the pain that you give me everyday, through the wisdom you give me at times, yet you behave as if you don't exist! I don't even have the comfort of assuming that this world is Godless. At least then, I could take a call. I would not wait for anything then. I would either die or surrender to the whole thing and be paralysed or resist this whole thing and take some medicines this Science offers, for a temporary relief at least, if not as a long term solution. I'm not able to kill myself anyway, but if I allow them to, this void and negative energy spiralling within at least can give me a brain stroke, so I can die later. But this awareness you gave me would not let me do that. You made me know that all this can be processed! All this process, all this pain, all this waiting, does not make any sense anymore. Yet, I remember the sense it once made and that's the whole problem!"

"This waiting for 'something' to happen, is tiring me. And what can be more painful than waiting for something, when you don't know what that 'something' is, except that you definitely know that 'that something' has not happened yet. I wish I be ignorant of all the awareness I gained. What should I be doing with this awareness? What the hell should I be using this 'awareness' for? I'm all agitated with people, I don't even behave peacefully with people to claim that I'm on a spiritual path and that I'm being enlightened. There are a certain set of parameters this world uses to measure spirituality. And I don't measure up to them. I can't live, I can't die. There is hope, there is no hope. How long should I live this paradox? Nobody understands this. Explaining it to people only aggravates the problem. There's no solace. At least you would not even make people around me function favourably. It's like my energy field is always at loggerheads with the energy fields of people around. I'd like to state it is the vice versa, but let me take the current world as the standard way to conform to! There's got to be a limit for this endurance. There's got to be a limit. And where does all this endurance come from? The more the pain, the more the endurance. I wish this process makes people less enduring...actually debilitate them, so they could collapse! But no, it doesn't! There's got to be a limit God! There's got to be a limit!"

So, as was I weeping like this, the Universe did, kind of, answer me. Oh no! Don't assume, it answered me clearly...like somebody saying something as an answer to all this...or some idea popping up from an external source...No nothing like that. I was tired of weeping and was checking the Pinterest pins and one pin clicked well with this situation, so I (had to) assume it's an answer. Now, as I told you in one of my previous posts,I've not been experiencing much synchronicity for the past two years and this was how Universe had been answering me. It answers very vaguely and that certainty I experienced before, during 2012-2014, isn't there anymore! Yet, I need to agree that the certainty that was sowed deep inside me was enough to pursue this path. I really did not need to experience it continuously. Ok, let's come to that Pinterest pin which served as an answer to this storm inside me.

I was like, "Ah come on! I needed this. And to top it, this idea pops up from this guy*!?I?! The rift is not with Tyson here now, it's with the Universe/God or whatever damn power this is! Universe! If you are NOT under any obligation to make sense to me, then why the hell am I under any obligation to be part of you? I would have earlier asked, 'Why am I under any obligation to serve you?' But I don't feel that way anymore. Maybe I'm not serving you by doing all this. Maybe, I'm doing all this for my own self. It's just that I am unable to figure it out. What is that damn thing I'm doing all this for? What is it that merits this huge chaos inside me? I would not do this for anything or anybody, not for any damn twin flame I might have once loved, not even for myself! I would not do this for any bliss I HAD GOT or I MIGHT GET in the future. I would not do this for the God and Goddess - the Cosmic Parents, I would not do this for my Cosmic Family, I would not do this for the family here. I would not do this for saving this world, which doesn't give a damn to my pain and to whose well-being I don't care a damn! If I had to do this for myself, then I don't need myself. I'd better die. So why is it that you still keep me in this grave?"

So, that was all the debate that happened (no it wasn't the mind chatter, it's almost like involuntarily shouting at the Universe), but the truth is that I had already come to acceptance long ago. I had already accepted this fact that, if need be, I might have to be in this situation, till the end of this life time. This storm happened many times before and that's what led to such an acceptance. So even as the storm was raging inside me, there was a faint voice from deep within mocking me - "Come on! Don't act. You getting emotional this way for the n'th time looks funny. You already accepted it, so why make huge fuss about all this?" Infact, it is this very paradox of 'pain- ok with pain' that tired me the most.

So, why did I come to that acceptance, one might ask. Even I don't know. But when I reached that stage of acceptance, I had this certainty that my soul would have taken up this responsibility before I was born here. Maybe, my human self is unable to grasp the reasons behind why the decision to endure this pain was made, but I was certain my higher self wanted to do this. Maybe, this human self of mine does not want to endure all this for anybody/anything on the long list listed before, but maybe my higher self does want to do it for any of those things. It is this respect that I have for the existence of a higher self, it is this understanding that the priorities of my higher self should precede those of my human self, is what keeps me going. So, to this day, I don't seriously question this peace I made with myself...such weeping sessions happen on and off, though. I just wanted to give readers a glimpse of it, as I feel that I'm nearing the end of this phase. If I don't experience the pain again, there is no way I could recall any part of how it felt, except the sole thing that it was dreadfully painful. So this post is for my records** at least, if not for anybody else.

So that's what happened yesterday. It was good that I did not pen down my pain yesterday itself here. I'm feeling much better today...a strong disconnect from the phase I had been experiencing for the last 20 days. Had I penned it down yesterday itself, this blog post would only contain my pain about the void - which I'm tired of voicing out here in every way possible for me and about which the readers too might be tired of hearing for the n'th time - the pain of void! But for posterity, let me just conclude this obsession of describing my experience with the void and disaster energy...

It's like being kept in the field that exists between two huge repelling magnets and passing electricity through that space. It's like being caged in that field and moving in this world with that cage in tact. Sometimes, it felt like I'm carrying a black hole in the form of a double vortex dark matter field...A moving black hole, I had myself become...Non-existence within existence, that is! A black hole, which might any time transform into an atom bomb. The being inside me, whatever living force remained of me, silently wept yesterday - "Somebody please dispose this off from inside me! Please!"

And my call, seems to have been heard. Let me just believe it so..for the time being at least. Let me see how it goes...

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*When I first saw Tyson in the first episode of "Cosmos: A Space Time Odyssey", I found his talk very repulsive. I felt, he presented common generic ideas about the Universe as though he was dishing out viewers some rare wisdom with such an air of confidence as though he had firm grasp of the Universe. I had felt that a series like that is such a rare and excellent opportunity which is bound to inspire humility in the speaker presenting it. His ideas, his presentation, his body language...I don't know, I can't pinpoint one, but I found the whole presentation made by him very repulsive.

Recently, I was glad to find out that somebody out there in this world resonates with my ideas about Neil deGrasse. But contrary to what I felt about him in the first episode, it seems Neil deGrasse loses sleep wondering if we are intelligent enough to figure out the Universe. Poor guy, looks like he is burdened by his own journey about space talk so far! It must have been in one of those melancholic moments during his sleep, that such a profound statement sprung from him! It seems he thinks: "...It's not that we are better than the universe, we are part of the universe. We are in the universe and the universe is in us." Awesome Neil deGrasse! Great ideas! Interesting, you even consider the possibility if we are better than the Universe! I'm sorry, looks like I totally misread you from that one single episode!

**I'm pretty selfish of course, who isn't...everything I write here, every song I keep braying on my blog, it's all purely for myself. It's to ease out my pain, to keep my sanity, to obtain more knowledge in this journey - basically to know more and expand my awareness...ultimately to further the purpose of my higher self, whatever that is - good or bad!

The Heart-Brain Peace!

I came across this episode recently. The dance here portrays beautifully the conventional heart-brain conflict! While there was that (right from the beginning, seemingly inevitable) heart-break, I liked the way heart and brain finally made peace! Of course they had to...there's no other choice if a person has to survive!

And the song being one of my favourites...this obviously had to be in my blog! :-)

2516

Now that is the code for the "Energy Transmutation Corrections" arrived at, to deal with those heavy bouts of Energy and Consciousness entering me after Kundalini Awakening. The code was like the magical keychain dropped by the Universe as an acknowledgement to the sequence of energy phases I was consolidating then...back in January 2014. I thought "Awesome! What more, I'm reaching the end of this process!" That was one of the peak phases of synchronicity. Little did I know then, that I would not experience so much of synchronicity again (I haven't experienced it strongly again after that, at least so far). Also I didn't know there was so much of work left over for me to do after that - at least three more pieces of work still left over - balancing the consolidated energies, experiencing void and disaster energy phases.

I didn't know I was trying to arrive at some corrections, when I decided sometime during July 2013 to counteract the forces affecting me severely. I don't know if 'counteract' is the right word to use. I felt I had a choice of how to deal with the forces instead of simply surrendering to them by "letting go" the chance to put into action my instinctive gut responses to those impulses(causative forces) arising out of outside me. I was not sure if allowing the energies to act upon me as they wish, was in my interests. I did not feel good that way, so I decided to exercise my choice. That made me feel better, though that involved quite some work...of meditating especially. Basically, being mindful of what I'm doing and exercising discretion while handling energy, driven by the idea that not all energy is good! (for me!)

All through out my Awakening process till then, I would receive guidance/information through meditation or through constant observation of the world around me by processing the events happening around and I would suddenly get an acknowledgement from the Universe affirming that what I've been assuming so far was right. When, in doubt, I get the acknowledgement repetitively thus reinforcing the acknowledgement. It is rarely that I get the input first through synchronicity and then I act on the inputs. It's the other way round wherein synchronicity was used to acknowledge my inferences. This event was exactly one of such occurrences. I kept a number to represent individual energy phases and finally I was trying to sequence them and just as I had arrived at that energy sequence, the Universe thrusted upon me that number to let me know that the sequence was just right. At least, I'd consider that as right for me, since that definitely acted like a drug to process the extremely heavy bouts of energy and consciousness into free flowing streams. In fact, that was an important milestone for me, but it later led to different phases. The later phases (Balancing, Void and Disaster phases) have been more painful, so naturally one might question the righteousness of that sequence. But somehow, I have no doubt about the sequence as my instinct strongly suggests me that these later phases, though painful, are required for the culmination of PoE (Precession of Equinoxes) process in spiritual plane, so that it manifests in the physical dimension.

Again, I don't know if painful is the right word to describe these phases. I don't know if one calls 'numbness' pain! At one point, I decided I would commit suicide in case I don't stabilise before my expected timelines. The deadline was breached, but by then there was no "I" to kill myself, but strangely I was still there. I don't know how to describe this strange paradox - "I" was not there, but I was there. I did not "feel" the triggers needed to kill myself, but whatever was left of me - that was not sufficient to live. I constantly felt like dying, because I was not able to sense the "I" within me and at the same time, it was difficult to take the plunge to kill myself because there was no "I" to do that. I don't know who was the subject (the first "I") in the sentence - "...because I was not able to sense the "I" within me" - what was it that was trying to sense something within myself that did not seem to exist, I don't know.

Months passed by in this strange paradoxical numbness. Mind used to stand still often, but it did not seem like my mind blanked out. I was aware that my mind was still during such moments, rather extended time periods. Perhaps, my soul was watching out my mind getting still into an "impulseless" state. But again, I doubt if my soul was active at all during that time because the life I led at that time felt so soulless. I'd guess that all that was alive during that time was the connection between my consciousness and the earth's consciousness, with my consciousness remaining passive. And perhaps that's what made me sense whatever I was sensing at that time.

To lead life this way when the world around me was moving constantly was the real test. People around me were making progress, irrespective of the progress being constructive or destructive. Even doing daily chores meant some progress for me. Almost two years vanished this way for me. In the last two years, when I was not doing the balancing act or not experiencing the disaster energy, I was experiencing this void. While the first two phases were painful by themselves, I loathed the very idea of having to experience the void phase and all the three were recurring a number of times. It was like that "Kavacha kavacha" moment in the Telugu film "Bhairava Dweepam". Just as a grave rests equally still whether in a hot desert or in a frozen winter storm, the pain whether hot or cold melted still as if packed neatly into the mould that is my body. The pain decayed and decayed multiplying itself to become a bigger ghost.

Amidst all this, my relationship with my family suffered heavily. It's better I don't speak about it here for pages will ooze out if I start it. Whenever instability raged within me, I started venting out the unsolicited truths which nobody wanted to hear, which offended everybody. I wondered when there was no "I", where did all this ego and sensitivity flare up from. It was a late realisation that the sum of some egos made up for the absence of my soul.

All said, truth doesn't always make you win. It might not win you people or money, but it definitely sets you free. But before that, it is said, it pisses you off first. Sharing this code out here in this blog, I hope, would set me free.