They should have dealt it all better. They should have treated you better. But if they could, they would. The problem is they can't.
For all that you have been for them in life, for the way you treated them, they should have understood you. They should have empathised with you, or at least sympathised with you (though that would do you no good)! They should have. But if they could, they would. The problem is they can't.
For the long past you share with them, they should have tried not to hurt your feelings by making inappropriate comparisons. For your journey was different from others'. They could never understand the void you are experiencing in your life, but at least they should have tried NOT to deepen that void. They should have. But if they could, they would. The problem is they can't.
In the times you needed them the most, they should have been your go-to point to hide from yourself. They shouldn't have made you feel, it is them you should run away from, first, to find some peace of mind. When all that you had to cherish, was your past, they should have not forgotten it. Instead of ridiculing your present, they should have used your past to boost you in the present. They should have. But if they could, they would. The problem is they can't.
They would never accept that they hurt you. Every time you want to explain the hurt and the grief they are causing you because of their inability to understand you, they blame you hurt them. And maybe you did. You are open to that possibility. Your awareness and your willingness to mend yourself only leads you to adjust more. They are not even ready to listen to your grief, then how can they act on it, to reduce their share in it?
All that matters to them is to defend themselves, that they did NOT cause you any grief and blame you that you caused grief in their lives. Your feelings, your grief, your pain, your agony...it all goes down the gutters. You are supposed to handle it yourself. They have nothing to do with it whether or not they have played any part in it. But you do understand the grief and hurt you are causing them. You should never discuss things with them and expect their participation to ease the tension in life. They are not game for it, you gradually understand this. So you slowly reduce the time you spend with them, you reduce the conversations with them, you try and reduce the interaction with them. You try and learn to stay alone even when you are sharing a life with them. You try your best to expect the least from them.
But after all it's a family. How much ever you try, life throws up some or the other situation that demands interaction at an emotional level with them.
Their words hurt you. The way they respond to your feelings hurt you. The way they take you and your agony easy hurts you. The way they respect their own time yet kill your time leaving you to yourself to unfold the cobwebs they too wove, hurts you. This slow death inside you, sharing a life with an incompatible family, is it any better than somebody raping you?
At least, somebody has crossed the line there. Culprits are clear. Here, there are no visible enemies. No visible abuse. Only deep wounds and scars invisible to everybody, but you. They are right in their way and you are right in your own. No point, discussing things from the stand point of right and wrong. But who will heal your decaying self? How long can you take this ordeal?
Divorcing a spouse is much easier than divorcing a family, you finally feel!
