Friday, July 20, 2018

Living a discontinuity...

I had already posted this quote long ago in my blog. But posting it again coz, merely understanding it is one thing and living it out is another!!!

Not very long ago, I've written this post - "If they could, they would!" complaining about my family. After that, I even lived for a while away from them. I think I needed that time away from them to appreciate the value of family and what all I was missing staying away from them. Also that time acted as good buffer for all the heat that ensued between us because of my Awakening, to settle down. And recently, I joined them back too.

I'm amazed at how differently I now view my family. It's not really about my stay away from my family. This is not the first time I stayed away from them. It's more about the changed Kundalini patterns within me. I now see how much they care for me, all the work they still do for me as though I'm still a kid (I feel bad to be still taking their service...I keep looking for ways to break those patterns but fail most of the times!)

They haven't changed in anyway during this brief span, they are still the same, I mean they provide for my "needs" as they did when I was a child, but they definitely don't understand how to provide for my emotional needs (and my emotional needs until sometime ago were HUGE). With reduced (to almost no) Kundalini flow, THE CHANGE has actually come within me. The way I respond to situations has changed, I don't have any expectations as such from them, that they should behave in such and such way and calm me down, assure me of their love, support yada yada yada. Even as a child, I was the same, I never had any expectations from them. Maybe, that's the reason why I was happy. I'm no more emotionally sensitive, I'm not triggered on and so forth and hence naturally the situations too don't heat up that easily and are always under control.

The good news is that I'm back to my self actually. The Kundalini process has brought a different side (err, different sides ;-)) out of me all these days (all these years actually!) and as the process is settling itself out, my "self" too is stabilizing. I'm very happy with this new development really. No heavy bouts of Consciouness streaming through me, nor heavy Kundalini gushing through me, no head-breaking head-aches, no nervous break-downs, no heavy synchronicities, no urge to write down my thoughts or blog my ideas, no quest for information, no studying and processing of cosmic signs, no need to update any Cosmic Story, no need to meditate for long hours to streamline the energy, no dilemma as to which energy pattern to meditate on, to placate the energy, no twin-flame waiting pangs, no practicing of songs and diligently uploading them on to the blog, no disaster energy streaming through me and finally no spiritual void that used to consume me and my time like a saw of emptiness drilling forever.

Actually most of the things I listed now stopped almost 2 years ago when the Spiritual Void started. The Kundalini took a backseat then itself. But since the Void took its place big time and played a bigger wreck, I could not rejoice in anyway. Now that the Void has vanished, I'm finally rejoicing. I'm actually celebrating. Whoa, I have so much "time" left for myself! I can do so many things now, which I couldn't dare do for years!

All this feels like a discontinuity for me. It's not that I'm full of energy and functioning with passion! I'm still in the inertia of my past. The drag is still there. But I know I have moved out of that space! Sometimes, I don't understand the context of my present when I see it from my past. It doesn't make much sense. I don't even know how to put it, but I think you are getting it. Any discontinuity can be approached from either ends, either limits. Approaching this moment, through the limits of my past doesn't give me a proper perspective. Approaching it through the expanses of my future, adds some perspective, some value.

My life might not be fabulous and happening at the moment. But, it is not the same standstill bedrock of grief it once was...touch wood it has finally started to flow and make some progress. How I drive it and take it ahead, again is up to me. With acceptance of what has happened in my past and gratitude towards the latest privilege of normalcy I'm enjoying, I must say I'm finally reaching a happy space. Woooh!!

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